
Outside the Vatican, chaos erupted during ESPN’s “Pope Draft” coverage after the Catholic Church shockingly named Robert Prevost as the next pope.
“This is an absolute disgrace. A CATASTROPHIC miscalculation by the Catholic Church,” Mel Kiper Jr. ranted, trembling with fury.
“You had a generational prospect... poise, pedigree, charisma, leadership, multiple viral tweets about God... and you pass on Shedeur Sanders? For who? Some deep-dish-loving Chicagan with no upside? You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I’ve said it for months... Shedeur had the highest Papal IQ in this class. His sermon film? Immaculate. His ability to improvise prayers in space? Pro-ready. And the bloodlines? Come on! This is a guy who’s been blessing locker rooms since Boulder.”
Kiper then accused the Church of orchestrating a global level sabotage campaign.
“This is clearly an international conspiracy to derail Shedeur’s rise, and it all comes down to one thing: who his father is. These Cardinals better pray this pans out, because when the Protestants pick him up and roll out a spread formation ministry? It’s gonna be a full-blown revival... and it won’t be in Rome.” Kiper said, red in the face.
"I can't believe this is happening. All because of his father? You know who else had a controversial father? Christ. And ya, I don't need to pull up JC's highlights. He's in the Hall."